My Edo Period Romantic comedy is as Wrong as Expected
by Commie-sama
Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman is a ronin on a quest alongside a girl who's run away from home, an airhead seeking adventure, and old comrade who's recently opened a dojo, what could go wrong?
1. prologue

this is the first fanfic I've ever written, no criticism please! (please feel free to point out any mistakes that look grammatically incorrect or something that just looks strange in general.)

anyway, this has been an idea that's been drifting around in my head for a good while now, I hope you enjoy.

•••

Yukino Yukinoshita was the most volatile human being whithin Japan, ever since she'd woken up, she would insult anything in her peripheral view, whether that be small rodents or men that would come in for repairs. Her current cause of unending hostility was not due to work, or samurai of any sorts, but rather her mother who had gone behind her back yet again and insisted that she marry the son of the shogun. She'd rejected the offer countless times, she was certain that her mother would try to convince her even on her death bed. Despite the countless protests, she'd been arranged to marry Hayama Hayato, the boy that she couldn't stand, because he was the same boy who would always be standing on the side lines and never making an effort to better the city and having a smile plastered onto his face hoping that the expression would erase any current issue.

"You can't stay in your room forever Yukino-chan, you'll have to come out and face mother's wrath eventually." the voice of that cursed inugami sang into the door that blocked either of their worlds from clashing.

"Go away nee-san, I had thought that the purification salt would have driven your demonic forces farther outland." she responded as coldly as she could muster.

"That's actually quite hurtful Yukino-chan, you'll never find a suitable man if you just insult everyone away, although in your current situation, I doubt that it would have happened regardless." Haruno Yukinoshita was a force to be reckoned with, not because she went for the more psychological approach when trying to get things her own way, but because she was highly persistent, persistent enough to put all the men of Edo to shame.

Between dealing with a mother who's only interest was strengthening the flow of income, a father who overworked himself and was always asleep whenever he wasn't creating a new sword and an older sister who could be rightfully confused for some demonic being, Yukino Yukinoshita could not handle her bloodline anymore, so she'd do what any sane, respectable and patient young woman would do in her situation…

She'd run away from home into a different part of the country and start to work at a teahouse, and hope that her family would notice her disappearance too late to track her down. Surely this would work, surely.

•••

Yui Yuigahama was a girl who couldn't cook to save her life, could be clumsy enough to drive away some customers and airheaded enough to not fully understand words not within her ability to comprehend, despite her faults, she was an outgoing girl who'd work hard and try her best, lately however she had grown bored, and it wasn't just because the rain kept away business, but because she had longed for adventure, adventure that the teahouse or Edo couldn't grant her, she wanted to go out and experience new things within the country, she hoped that someone or something would force her to leave the comfort of the teahouse and let her travel around Japan.

"If you keep your mouth open, a demon might posses you dear." her mother said in a caring voice while helping her with her lopsided bun, the smaller gahama would try to do it herself but ultimately failed like any westerners who'd try to trade with the country.

"I was just thinking about traveling some day momma, it's really not too important."

"You're thinking about that again? You know I'd let you dear but we aren't doing so well right now because of all this rain, this'll probably go on for another week at best."

Yui surprisingly went into deep thought yet again and her mother could have sworn she heard the cogs in her head turning, before her daughter could hurt herself she had to make a strong enough excuse to get her to do something else

"Yui, sweetie, why don't you check out back and see if any of the dogs came to eat the food we left out for them, maybe sable made some new friends." that sounded like a good enough excuse to let the young gahama go do something so easy that she couldn't possibly get hurt.

"Ok momma, I'll be back soon!" she had run out of the room before she could tell her the girl to be careful, and not even 10 seconds went by before she heard the surprised yelp from said girl

"Ah! A girl!"

"Ah! An airhead!"

Hey now, that part while true wasn't necessary something to be said out loud, especially in an alleyway. Wait a second, there was a girl outside in the blasted rain? Her motherly instincts kicked in and she knew she had to invite her inside so she could dry herself and get some rest, it was fairly unsafe after dark, even with low crime in the town. She rushed downstairs and met face to face with the unknown girl.

"Welcome to gahama teahouse, would you like anything to drink? Or perhaps a towel to dry yourself, a pretty girl like you shouldn't be catching a cold you know!"

"Gwha?" was the girl's only response

"What's your name young lady?"

"Yukino Yukinoshi-… just Yukino actually" She said shyly

"Are you perhaps lost?" she pestered the young girl

"Actually, I was looking for work"

Work? On such a stormy day? She wasn't an expert in the thoughts of young minds today, but she could instantly tell that this girl has been running endlessly, the panting and bruises on her legs that were shown due to the ripped yukata gave it away as well, from deduction skill alone she could tell that she'd run away from home. She knew what it was like for people to run away from abuse, whether that be physical or emotional, that's why she'd ran away from her husband when yui still wasn't old enough to even remember his face.

"Yui, why don't you go prepare a hot bath and the guest room really quick, I want to converse with our new employee before we go to bed."

And thus, the night concluded with Yukino becoming the newest employee of gahama teahouse and the newest resident of the living space above.

•••

Zaimokuza Yoshiteru would consider himself an honest man, a direct and blunt warrior who'd put situations, issues and words into the right perspective, at least to those around him. To his students, he'd be the goofy sensei who'd yell and encourage them to become even greater blade masters than him. he picked up enough children from the streets and molded them into young men and women who'd defend themselves and others if necessary, he encouraged them all to eat well, rest well and play well, the spirit of great warriors would awaken in all of them soon enough and they'd turn into strong embodiments of justice. In his eyes some live, some die in the way of the samurai, some fight, some bleed, Sun up to Sun down, either way, they'd all become sons and daughters of the battlecry. He'd hope that those who left the dojo long ago would use their newfound skills to fight for other people, he had wanted to teach the younglings the lesson that his comrade from the war taught him, that the ultimate reward would be honor and not awards. He'd hoped that his comrade had found a peaceful place to live after he became a ronin. he resigned soon after him as well. they'd kept in touch and he'd always send letters to him, a part of him kept hoping that he'd finally be convinced to come to see the dojo alongside the impact that he created simply by fighting alongside him and the other soldiers that day.

"I sincerely wish you're living the healthy and peaceful life you've always wanted comrade, I also hope that you're mind is still as noble as the day we all fought alongside together, I do however wish we'd have traveled together some more before splitting paths, but Inhope you have been resting well my friend "

As soon as he finished the small letter, he heard a knock at his door, wondering who it could be at this time of day, he did the only thing he could and gave the unknown being permission to enter.

"Please come in."

The door slid to reveal a petite young boy who looked more feminine than he did masculine, young Totsuka Saika. He had remembered picking up Totsuka off the streets one day, he was being harassed by Yakuza when he intervened, after saving the by knocking out all thugs, he asked if he had anything or anyone to go to, the young one had none and Yoshiteru saw it as reason enough to invite him to the dojo, where he could have a place to rest, companions to work, play and spar alongside with and a responsible teacher to look after him, Oh well, time to get into character.

"Ah, young Totsuka, what brings you here, tell me, is something troubling you? If so, say what it is and we shall both strike it down rigorously!"

Hopefully this would be a small issue that required nonviolent use, he was tired and the night would only grow darker while thunder and rain would grow stronger.

"Sensei, you can speak to me normally you know, and, I was just wondering if you had gone to bed already seeing as you've been staying up quite late these past couple of nights, we're all worried about you, you know."

Surely enough, he could feel tapping on the wooden floor, all other 17 students must have been listening in, he could have sworn he felt a hear attack coming, what a virtuous group of growing boys and girls! He could cry on the inside, no, he _would_ cry on the inside.

"I am well, thank you for your concern my young pupils, is there anything else that might have to be brought up since we're already having this conversation?"

Hopefully nothing too big would come, it must have been a couple minutes after midnight, he always tried to follow his motto but always fell short on resting well.

"Ah, there was nothing else, but, is that a letter you're writing? To whom could it be addressed to sensei?" the young trap asked.

"oh, this? It's… it's for an old comrade of mine, although he would try to deny it, he's also a close friend, he's also the man I owe my life to." His voice was full of nostalgia, remembering the final days of the war and how they had grown closer as friends alongside others who he kept in touch with. He'd have to write to them as well, it would be unfair to not even acknowledge their existence now.

"Owe your life to?"

"Oh, I've never told you this before, have I young Totsuka? You see, despite my mastery of the sword and all techniques that come with it, there was a time when I still had trouble fighting, I had been knocked down by the enemy during battle, I was certain that it would have been the end of me, however the saints had another plan, they sent him and he arrived in time to save me. I heard the blade cut through flesh and bone before the sound that always followed it, my savior was the most honorable man I had ever fought alongside with, despite the way his eyes looked cold and rotten, he had this aura that surrounded him, to the mere commoner of the village, he was a peasant like them, to us however, as warriors he shone like grand royalty, he wouldn't get seasick even in an ocean of wickedness."

"He sounds very interesting sensei! Is there a chance that we'd ever get to meet that legendary man?!" if only the young boy had known that despite all his perfections, his comrade was a recluse except for when it came to his sister, t- that's it! Despite his failings in socializing with others, he knew that the man would come to see the sakura trees blossom, maybe she'd drag him here as well! Yes, he'd see his friend again, his students would meet the legendary swordsman and they'd all see the sakura trees blossom, now if only this cursed rain would stop!

"I'm writing an invitation alongside this letter so he can hopefully be here to see the sakura trees bloom with all of us, there's a chance it might reach him in time and he'll be here when they start. I'm certain he'll come, even if his sister has to drag him here with force, make no mistake young man! His sister, while smaller than you, is still a force to be reckoned with, and of course, I still owe him that Koban!"

He'd have to visit to the teahouse nearby first thing tomorrow, he'd need all the drinks he could get to make this a convincing letter, he was after all very persuasive (in his own mind of course) and he'd know just the way to get him to arrive at the town.

•••

Hikigaya Hachiman considered himself a normal guy, well, as normal as a guy could be with his viewpoint on the world, its inhabitants and the relationships that they could all build, to the common men and women of Japan he was a detestable human being, he could be so invisible to the general public that they'd sometimes confuse him for a onryō due to the rotten eyes he possessed and the katana that was sheathed on his left side. To the common soldier of Japan, he was a legend that only existed through name and would always be seen as a supernatural force who'd be loyal to no lord but only to the land he walked on and the people he'd fight for or alongside of. To those who fought alongside him, he was the boy who became a samurai by trusting his instincts and becoming one with the battle plan, the noble minded warrior who had graced the hemisphere with no fear flying over him. To the everyday thug they'd think he would be easy pickings, they should have thought otherwise because if they did they wouldn't be scrambling away falling over each other after he had cut down their friend, checking his pockets for any possible cash, he came up with enough to treat his old teacher for a drinking night and still have enough for a nice lunch the following day, if only he could arrive at any nearby town.

The rain had finally let up, it was now just a strong drizzle compared to the destructive storm that it was during the night but he'd rather be out of it before catching a cold and dying before he could find the missing girl, his journey had lasted for three days at best, he could power through the night if he truly made the effort to, his time as a samurai made him a disciplined swordsman who could withstand strong hits and cuts to tear down anyone, when he had fought in the war, he was seen as the definition of a samurai, noble minded and seen as someone who's award would be honor rather than material possessions, but he was none of that now, he'd survive through the poor weather if it meant finding her. It was 10 minutes before he neared a section of society again, only this time instead of meeting bandits, he had met a crowd who's backs were all he could see of them.

"Please sir, if we can't get in to the town, it'll mean the death of my entire clan, the children are sick and our men injured, the women are exhausted, please let us in!" he heard a voice upfront, it sounded like that of an elder, perhaps this clan's leader.

The man who was blocking the road lifted his hand, as if asking the elder for a toll; whatever type of extortion this was, it disgusted Hikigaya to no end, he had to do something. However, the old man had accumulated enough cash to get in and have enough to find themselves some shelter from the rain, it would have to be enough.

"If you truly believe that spare change is enough to enter then you are much more insolent than I had thought you to be, it's not enough but the yagyuu will make sure that it will be considering where you're going"

He had enough, this was reason enough to finish their lives here in the mud, they would be easy to take down since they wouldn't expect anyone to fight back or stand up for themselves.

"Would you dumb oni just move! You can't do that to grandpa just because he doesn't have enough money!" was the only feminine yell that was mustered from a member or rather, young savior of the small clan

"Rumi quiet!"

"Shhh, Rumi!"

Rumi was her name, he had a feeling that someone would try to harm her if he did nothing, so he did what he could and called the attention of the yagyuu towards him.

"Move it will you, you're blocking the entrance and these people from entering the town"

for whatever reason, the clan in front of him moved in synchronization to reveal the presence of the man who wasn't one of them

"What was that?"

"I said move it, are you disgusting oafs so deaf that you can't hear even the smallest of requests"

"You better watch that mouth of yours boy, this man is of importance around here" one yagyu replied, hoping that Hikigaya would stand down, he pushed on further as he neared the front of the crowd

"To serve such an unimportant piece of shit that demands you strike down the helpless, is that honorable?"

"A ronin has no place to talk of honor or nobleness, know your place or say your prayers, this is your first and only warning. If you insist on stepping closer so we can end your life, come"

The man was persistent, he'd give him that, but the stances of the guards left them all wide open, he could win and still have enough energy to take care of the guards behind what he assumed was the governor of the town, his response surprised the clan behind him and the cowards in front.

"You come to me"

With yells that were the equivalent of dogs barking all three tried to rush him, as if trying to overwhelm him. That was their first mistake, Hikigaya used the terrain against them, using the muddy path they stood on, he slid backwards letting the first try to strike the direction he had last been in, he unsheathed his katana and made an upward slash aiming for the man's arm, with a squelchy success, the limb fell lifelessly onto the ground, he couldn't bask in that small victory as the other two tried to rush him again, he aimed a kick for the second's knee and heard a satisfying crack when the iron underside of his geta made contact with the convex bone, he fell and screeched just like the first, and last but certainly least, was the third who stood there paralyzed with fear after seeing both of his buddies taken down so easily, Hachiman grazed the man's cheek and quickly positioned his sword near the right side of the man's neck as if he was daring him to move.

"Yield" he commanded in the coldest tone he could muster.

"I-I yield! Please don't kill me! Please!" he started to sob as he fell onto his knees begging for forgiveness.

Hikigaya knew when an enemy had given up, and this one genuinely seemed to have done so, he did the sensible thing a gentleman like him would do in this situation. He kicked the man in the nose and knocked him out, sparing him of any terminal injuries like his comrades who had also passed out, one out of blood loss and the other out of shock. He turned to what he still assumed was the governor of the town.

"Are you finally going to move?" he asked, wondering if the snobbish ogre would be so arrogant as to try to lose his own life by denying him this simple request.

"Let them through" it was the only thing the bastard could grit through his clenched teeth. Soon enough the guards behind him cautiously watched as the clan went through before they had all entered, the young girl and her grandfather had stopped before him.

"We are forever in your debt young man, thank you" he bowed, thankfully it wasn't a full bow to the ground but it was enough for him to see the respect and gratitude that the older man had for him. He felt a tug on his sleeve and looked down to see the young girl who was with the elder.

"Uh…"

"Thank you for helping my grandfather Mr. Samurai" she too bowed

Ah, so this was young Rumi, he'd have scolded her for talking back to the men with katanas, but she and her relative looked grateful enough that he'd let it slide just this once. She had tried to offer him a pouch and judging by the sound that came from it, he could tell it was a generous amount of either koban or mon.

"I didn't do it for money, keep it." hopefully she wouldn't be a stubborn girl but he was wrong, as expected she'd still try.

I don't need your material possessions, honestly, I-I didn't even do this for you or your clan… b-baka."

He prayed in his mind that his bluff would work, thankfully it did as she put the small pouch away, she did however give him something even more generous, a smile. He could have sworn that he would have had a heart attack if she didn't stop looking at him like that, he'd face multiple warriors and countless predators who had all wanted to have his jead, but none however were as dangerous as this little girl. He heard her grandfather call her telling her that they had to hurry as the rain was picking up again. With one last smile and a wave that was just as good, she was out of his sight. After his eventful and tremendous morning, Hachiman realized he needed to clean his kimono, red and black were good together but not when that red was blood. He ran into the town and hoped to find some sort of place to wash it, and after that he'd head to a place to find something to drink, preferably an incredibly sweet coffee. He succeeded in his first objective, and headed toward the second location of interest after asking around for any teahouses.

"Gahama teahouse huh… surely nothing can go wrong."

And just like that, Hikigaya Hachiman unknowingly entered a volatile nest that would soon lead him to re-think his choice in drinks.

•••

this chapter is full of so many samurai champloo references I'll probably have a lawsuit on my hands soon, anyway, important note here, prepare to be disappointed because this fic will have no scheduled updates! I'll try to update at least once a week but I can't really promise anything.


	2. Chapter 1

There was a long silence when he entered the teahouse, he was met with the stares of six people.

An incredibly beautiful young woman who looked out of place in the teahouse.

Three men who were wearing robes that were the same as the Yagyū he faced earlier, one of which was trying to apprehend the beautiful young woman.

Two big breasted women, one young and one who looked slightly older.

And a man with silver hair, wait, silver?

There was only one person who he knew that had that hair color and that was his cue to leave. He left the military in hopes of forgetting that past and everyone in it, this was not the time to catch up with old comrades or… f-fr-friends.

"Ah, I see that you're all quite busy. Pardon me, I'll be on my way." With that said, he turned around and tried to exit only to hear the voices of four occupants within the teahouse yell in synchronization.

"Get the hell back in here!"

He grimaced at the force of the shouts, could this day possibly get any worse? Was this how the gods entertained themselves? If it was, he wished he could see the humor in this situation.

Turning around once again, he focused on the girl with black hair. She sent him an icy glare, most likely for trying to leave a few seconds ago.

"Uh… W-What seems to be the problem here?" It was a stupid question, but it was meant to throw them all off, so he could quickly think of a plan.

"Help the girl!" Yelled out Zaimokuza as he struggled against the other two Yagyū who were holding him back.

"Help Yukinon, please!" Screeched the young big breasted girl.

"Help the poor girl!" Quipped the older woman behind the counter.

"Unhand me you buffoon!" The one dubbed 'Yukinon' struggled against the Yagyū's grip, but her efforts failed, and she turned towards the Ronin who just re-entered the building.

"You! Help me!" She commanded him.

He looked at the man holding her and instantly knew he couldn't use his sword in this situation, not unless he wanted to risk hurting the girl. He didn't have enough time to think of something foolproof that would secure his victory, so he hoped that the gamble he was about to take would pay off.

He put his unorganized plan into action and rushed towards the man. Not being able to use his blade, he opted to use his mental replacement for his sword, his mind. He sprinted as fast as he could towards the Yagyū, gauging the man's reaction to him rapidly closing the distance between them.

The man, seeing what he thought was a crazed idiot running towards him, backed away slowly but bumped into the counter behind him. Unfortunately for him, he left one of his feet available to be targeted.

Using this to his advantage, Hachiman stomped on the man's exposed foot, specifically his big toe. It wasn't the biggest opening that anyone would ever create, but it was enough time for the man's grip loosen on the black-haired beauty and enough time for her to bite the hand that had been holding her.

The man screamed as her teeth broke his flesh, and instantly let go of her. Seeing that the black-haired Ronin's hand was moving towards his sword, she pushed the now crying man off her. Using her smaller frame, she was able to duck under the man and move out of the way of the coming strike, which from what she could see was aimed at the man's face.

Now that the man was left wide open, Hachiman smashed the scabbard of his katana's into the man's nose, knocking him out. He heard a loud crack as the scabbard impacted and knew that he broke it. That's twice today he'd broken someone's nose. He'd gloat about his small victory later because he still had the another two to deal with.

At the site of their comrade going down, the two Yagyū holding back Zaimokuza let go of him and stupidly ran towards the dead-fish eyed man with their fists raised. Hachiman instantly dropped his katana and moved into a defense martial arts stance, one of his own design. This usually threw of his opponents since they had never seen such a stance before.

Using his right leg, he kicked the closest man's shin and aimed another towards his chest, sending him flying back towards a sturdy wooden table. After making his skull made direct contact with the wood, he lost consciousness.

The second, whilst Hachiman was dealing with his friend, decided to pick up one of the many chairs in the room to use as an impromptu weapon. Just because of his larger size, he stupidly thought he had the advantage but was sorely mistaken.

It took one kick to the groin for the man to go down, dropping the chair to cup his destroyed family jewels. Another kick landed right into his nose, and Hachiman broke his third nose for the day.

Looking around and realizing that there were no other bozos inside the teahouse, he picked up his discarded weapon and turned to his silver-haired friend and asked what had been bothering him since everyone yelled at him.

"Zaimokuza! What the hell happened here and why the hell did I have to get involved in it!?" He all but yelled towards his friend who could only watch him. Perhaps he thought he was seeing a ghost, they hadn't seen each other in three years after all.

"Bwha… Uh, what happened was that the dark-haired girl there seems to be important enough for the governor to send in his best men try and find her." He wouldn't hold anything back, he trusted him that much.

"Best men? Is that a joke? Heh, anyway, Zaimokuza, please don't tell me I've just saved a thief or mass murderer, please!" He pleaded to not hear such words be directed to him.

"S-sorry, but I'm uh, I'm in the dark too. Those three came in here, saw her and ordered her to come with them. Obviously, I couldn't sit here and nothing, so I, of course, jumped in to try and help her."

Hachiman looked closely at the girl who caused all of this. Now that he got a better look at her, he was wrong in saying she was beautiful, she was gorgeous! He wondered if she was one of those angels that the religious nuts would always holler about. If the path of enlightenment meant seeing more of her, he'd take it in a heartbeat.

"Please don't look at me with such a rotten face, pervert" And just like that it was gone and thus he remembered that there was no such thing as heaven and that angels didn't exist.

"Look, I'm not one to put myself in other's business but… Who the hell are you and what does the governor even need you for!?" What started as a calm and collected answer turned into a high scream.

"That is none of your concern, but you didn't help someone who's committed crimes. In fact, I have two witnesses to testify for me should you suspect otherwise."

He'd only known this girl for three minutes and he already knew she'd spell endless trouble for him simply by her attitude alone and not any unspoken insults.

He sighed and realized she was a danger to herself and the other two women in the teahouse.

"Zaimokuza, odds are, someone's possibly noticed that these three idiots on the ground aren't back yet and that a black-haired beauty isn't wherever the governor wants her to be. I need you to make sure she gets out of town safely."

"Why can't you do it!? I'm not as fast as I used to be! My endurance is great, but my stamina's been taking a hit these last few nights for staying up so late. I'm struggling to stay awake while even speaking." Zaimokuza's response was a statement with no support or evidence to back it up. He looked awake and he wasn't slowly dropping his eyes or stumbling around.

"Zai. Mo. Ku. Za." He stated creepily enough that the other three patrons took a couple steps back.

"Y-Yes?" his silver-haired comrade asked fearfully.

"You're going to help them leave town, right? I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? That everyone with a sword would come rushing all over town trying to find one girl and their three buddies who aren't back. I mean, it would be a huge shame if this beautiful maiden was denied freedom simply because an honorable man such as yourself refused to help her and her employers. You'd be looked down upon, wouldn't you?"

"Alright, alright! Just… please stop. God, Hachiman you're scarier than I remember! Y-You heartless beast."

"Heartless? On the contrary. Now go, go and help them."

"Wait, what are you going to do throughout all of this?"

"Isn't it obvious? While you guide them out of here, I'll stall anyone for as long as possible."

"You'll come back, right?"

"Oi!"

"Just make sure they get out of here safely."

Zaimokuza looked troubled, he wanted to know if his friend would go with them when he finished everything here or if he'd leave him and the others like last time.

"Hachiman… expect me to drag you back if you try to run away again!"

With their conversation done, Zaimokuza led the girls and the mother through the back of the teahouse leaving him to deal with any other people that would come through here.

He sighed and wondered how long he could keep up the façade that he didn't yearn to visit Zaimokuza, let alone the others. They all drove him to his wit's end, but the memories he had of them were a reminder that not everything short-lived was awful.

His nostalgic thoughts were cut short as he heard multiple pairs of feet enter the teahouse. From the sound alone, he counted seven. The one in front towering over the others wore robes that looked bulky compared to those next to him. He was definitely wearing armor underneath his robes. He readied his stance and prepared himself to fight.

"I see you lot aren't here expecting tea and dumplings, then I'll give you today's special. I assume you've all heard of a little something called an ass-kicking?"

It took everyone in front of him a few seconds for his words to connect with them, but as soon as it did he was certain they were arrogant and angry enough to fight him without any proper explanation.

Thankfully nobody was here to see him try to cheat his way to victory, he'd be damned to fight in the name of a code while he was searching for his sister. He rushed towards them hoping for a swift victory, too focused on those in front of him that he didn't notice the smell of smoke until it was too late.

/-/

Despite his bulky appearance, Zaimokuza could run quickly and stay out of sight if he so wished. He was tempted to slow down seeing as how the three women behind him were looking more tired by the minute.

He could empathize with them, when he first started training in the army he was just like them, but those days were long gone, and he knew that they couldn't slow down unless they wanted to be spotted by the governor's men.

He was thankful that the dojo was near the outskirts of town, hidden by bamboo and had a path that only he and his students knew. He'd take them there and then go back to the teahouse to help Hachiman.

He knew that his friend would be fine for now, but two was better than none and if they won there, then he'd drag him to the dojo no matter how much he'd complain and protest.

"Let's hurry, we're almost there!" He all but yelled at them.

He wished he could laugh at their mortified faces as if realizing that they had to move just a little more. He wasn't lying when he said that it was close, it would only by two more roads until they'd reach a bamboo forest.

"Keep going! We can't afford to stop! Even if Hachiman's holding off some of them, there's no guarantee we're in the clear!"

"But what if we are!?" He heard Yui yell.

"Then I'd say you're being too naïve Gahama-chan!" He yelled back, he wondered if the rain was loud enough to make it, so his voice was quite or if they'd just been running for so long that they could hardly hear him over their heavy breathing.

After constant nagging and helping each other up from slipping on the mud they made it to the forest. Leading them through the double doors of the dojo he was greeted by none other than young Totsuka.

Sensei, welcome back…" He never got to finish his sentence because he noticed that he brought company.

"Sensei! You've kidnapped three girls!" Totsuka yelled.

"Dammit, Saika! It was hard enough to convince them to follow me here, now how the hell am I supposed to convince them that I'm not some creep!"

He damned Hikigaya the most, first for putting him in this situation and secondly for 'volunteering' to stay behind. He was certain that he knew of the backlash and that's why he threw them with him.

"I damn you, but I also pray for your safe return, Hachiman" He mumbled to himself as he tried to avoid the harmful glare of two girls and one mother behind him.

/-/

It was the days that the sakura trees would bloom, but he was too focused on finding his sad little sister until at last, he saw her near the wall with her head on her knees.

"Oi, Komachi"

"Mmm?"

By that response alone, he knew that she was highly upset. You don't have a younger sibling if you don't know what ticks them off and what makes them happy.

"Kamakura's missing his bed you know, come back inside." He tried to persuade her.

"Onii-chan, please not right now"

He fell to his knees, feeling as if he'd been stabbed by a thousand swords. Talking about Kamakura's clear favor of her over him would be enough to at least make her laugh. He did what any good brother would do and sat down next her while rapping his arms around her.

"Komachi, you can talk to me. What's wrong, little sister?" She muttered something he couldn't hear

"Huh? Komachi, I may be right next to you, but even I can't hear you when you're speaking to your knee."

"Mom and Dad won't take me to the festival, and everyone but me is going!"

He wondered whether he should hurt her more and say that they're in the right, being the son of Akira Hikigaya (Edo's number one daughter con) he'd been taught from a young age to protect Komachi at all cost.

He'd followed that lesson since then, they had even found the perfect excuse as to why she couldn't have a boyfriend, something along the lines of 'no dating until you're married.'

She couldn't find a loophole, at least not yet anyway, but they both knew there'd be a day when they'd have to let her go. Hesitant to be the one to take the first step towards the horrid day, he cautiously asked her.

"Do you… really want to go?" he asked hesitantly

"Of course, I do! We've always gone together but you're all so busy now that we never got to last year and now… now we can't go this year either."

He must have been the biggest sucker in all of Edo, deep down he knew this would be a terrible idea and he knew that he'd scolded at the end of it, but a happy Komachi was enough to make anyone happy.

"Ok… Get changed."

"Eh?" She looked up at him hopeful eyes

"Get changed. I'll… I'll take you."

Just like that she had already latched onto him and he could feel her screeching out thank you repeatedly into his shoulder

He could already hear the insults about his eyes from everyone there already, but regardless of hurt his feelings would get, he'd get to see Komachi enjoy her time and that outweighed all the negatives.

Now if only she wasn't so cold… what the hell? This girl was always warm and bubbly. When the hell had his sister ever felt like cold water!? Something was definitely wrong

"Oi Komachi!"

He felt that cold sensation again.

"Komachi!"

No response, but that cold feeling came back.

"Oi!"

He felt even colder until he heard a voice bark at him.

"Wake up asshole!"

His eyes burst open and he realized he wasn't at home with his little sister but rather, tied to a wooden post and surrounded by angry looking men. He cleared his throat and spoke to them.

"Whatever kinky play all possible 15 of you are into, I'm certainly not. I kindly ask that you let me go" He would have thrown in the signature Hikigaya head bonk but that wasn't possible due to his tied hands.

"It's amazing how you keep using that mouth that you got into this mess in the first place"

He tried to find the source of the voice and noticed that it was the same man who blocked an entire clan from the entrance.

"Oh, you're that guy from earlier. Hey, since I didn't make a bigger mockery out of you this morning, you mind letting me go. I got someone I need to find you know." He hoped the man had a sense of humor.

All he heard was a snarl confirming that this man had no space for foolishness regardless of the people at blame.

"Look, I'm sure you're a reasonable guy. If you let me go, you'll never see my face again, honest." It was a weak plead, everyone knew it, it was so weak that he hoped one of the guards would look at him with pity and let their hold on him somewhat loosely.

"Don't look at him, men! If you make eye contact, he might actually convince you to pitifully help him." The man in front of him said in a hushed voice.

"It's a simple matter of releasing me. Come on, I haven't done anything wrong." Saying that with a straight face was harder than it seemed.

"Nothing wrong? Making a mockery out of me, interfering with investigations and fighting my soldiers is nothing wrong?" His words were laced with enough venom that he was certain that even Hiratsuka sensei would rethink dealing with this beast.

"No, us catching you is a blessing! Your execution will be a reminder for everyone here to not defy any lords! The strong man of this morning who saved a little girl and her family, who helped a master swordsmith's daughter along with her caretakers escape from the hands of the law, is about to become a shriveled young man who should have known better than to rebel against a lord."

"Oh? Is that so? I fail to see how that'll be done considering that you can only cut and stab someone so many times before they bleed out."

The man smirked, meaning that it was bad news just for him.

"Considering how this is or used to be a torture department store, I think you'll be well taken care of for the night." The man let out a gross chuckle that made everyone in front of him uncomfortable enough to take a step back, dragging him as well.

"Gross!"

"Scary! Scary! The boss is scary!"

He chimed in "Wuah! This dude's super gross!"

/-/

Yukinoshita had no idea what to feel other than some satisfaction as she ate the small bowl of rice in front of her. Despite her calm exterior, her thoughts were rapid. She wondered if both Yuigahama's were also having some sort of turmoil within them, they either had none or were very good at hiding it as she saw them talk amongst Zaimokuza's students.

She wanted to leave, not because she was uncomfortable but because she knew that she'd have to keep moving. It was foolish of her to think that nobody would come after her especially after the news of her upcoming marriage.

She needed to leave but she knew she wouldn't survive on her, not if there were multiple people after her. She wondered if she could convince Zaimokuza to be her bodyguard, but there was also that man from earlier, the one with the dead eyes, the one who seemed capable of more.

She heard a door open, the students looked towards their teacher who was incredibly pale and looked anxious.

"What's wrong, Sensei?" She heard a student ask their teacher what she doubted anyone else would.

"H-He's not there! I-I asked around if anyone saw him, but they all said he was carried off by the governor's men."

Now she understood the reason he looked ready to break down. Their savior was probably taken to some sort of torture department store, and then possibly thrown in some cell like he wasn't human.

Off in the distance, Hachiman sneezed into his sleeve.

"I can't help but feel as if someone besides Komachi is thinking about me... Ah, whatever. I'll worry about it later."

Yukinoshita didn't look like much, but she did have a strong sense of justice and she hated being in someone's debt. She decided that she would do the reasonable solution and break him out, perhaps convince him to become her bodyguard.

He looked rotten, downright despicable and scary, but he had saved all four of them. He had fought the Yagyū that were planning to take her back and he had willingly stayed behind to hold back anyone else who was possibly looking for her.

He didn't strike her as someone suicidal, but she knew that if he died the following morning, she wouldn't able to stand herself, especially when the golden opportunity to get him back was already here. She relayed her plan to Yui, while she would go and break him out, Yui would distract anyone in whatever way she wanted. She slipped out of the dojo, unnoticed.

When she finally left the forest, she ran as fast as she could towards any place that could potentially hold a lowlife of sorts. Surely enough, she had found the place she was looking for. It was a gut feeling, but something told her that her savior was in a holding cell within.

She wasn't wrong, after slipping in and looking around, she had found the holding cells and within them was one Hikigaya.

He was lying on the hard-wooden floor face down like he was dead to the rest of the world, she'd have left if she wasn't perceptive enough to hear his quiet snores. She needed a way to wake him up, but she knew she couldn't risk making that much sound.

"Psssst!" She tried to wake him up gently.

"Hey!" She tried once again, she was already losing her patience.

She looked around to see if there was anything that would wake him up, that's when she spotted a small smooth rock. She contemplated if she was a horrible person for thinking about pelting an unconscious man with a rock but then remembered how he tried to ditch her in the morning and she confirmed that they'd be equal if she just grazed him.

With just the right amount of force, she threw it at him. She hoped to hit him in the arm or the back, but what she did not expect was for him to get up at the last second and receive a rock to the cheek.

One grunt of confused pain later, he looked at her with a glare. It was frightening, and he would definitely fit the job application of a bodyguard. She couldn't let that look scare her away from what she came here, looked at the wooden board that held the characters for his name she greeted him.

"Greetings, Hikitani-kun!"

He gasped and pulled his robes closer to him as if he was covering himself up from some pervert

"How did you _almost_ know my name?!"

"I have an approximant knowledge of many things. For example, I know that I'm about to break you out of here!" She exclaimed excitedly

"You are!? that's great, I never knew I'd have a savior, but how did you get the keys?" He looked at her with a curious gaze.

"The what?"

"The keys! The things that will unlock this lock."

They stared at each other for a couple seconds.

"You don't have them, huh." Her silence was one of two answers he was expecting.

"I'm going back to bed." He said as he went back to laying down

"Wait! I can still get you out!" She pulled out a lockpick.

He sighed and knew this was going to be a long night.

"How much progress have we made?" It was the third time he asked that, and she was ready to snap.

"I'm sorry, we?" She asked, baffled at how he made it seemed like they were both working on this.

"Yes, we. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Of course, there is Hikitani-kun. I've been doing all the work while you've just been sitting there!" She hoped no one was around to hear that outburst.

"It's Hikigaya actually, and what else am I supposed to do? Would you prefer if I put on skimpy clothes and cheered you on instead?"

This boy was infuriating, and she had only known him for an hour.

"I'd prefer it if you'd be quiet for 10 minutes!"

"The only noise is the sound of me breathing."

"Which is why I politely asked you to stop that."

"You know if I do that, I'll die." He said as he deadpanned at her.

How could she say something so blunt and possibly hurtful!? She looked up at him and gave him a kind smile

"Hikigaya-kun, I fail to see the point you're trying to make."

Scary! Scary! This girl is definitely scary!

They both heard a clink, confirming that Yukinoshita was the victor in the great turmoil that had landed upon them.

"Okay, let's go Hiki-gay-aya-kun!

"Oi, don't mispronounce my name out of excitement over accomplishing something so simple!"

"Sorry, I stuttered!"

"No, that was on purpose."

"I stuttered!" Was her only response. To add insult to injury she bonked her head.

The ahoge on his head hung down as if in shame.

"It wasn't an accident?!"

/-/

Yukinoshita's low stamina proved to be an issue, a big enough one that she was exhausted after five minutes of continuous sprinting and he had to carry her.

"Faster Hikigaya-kun! We can't let anyone see us, regardless of how late at night it is!"

"Keep it up Yukinoshita, I'm certain that all of Edo has heard you screeching 'faster!' for the last 8 minutes now" He growled.

"Don't growl at me! This is no way to repay the girl that saved you, you know."

This girl really thought that he wouldn't throw her off his back. The idea while tempting would postpone their progress, so he decided against it.

"You said bamboo forest, right?" He felt as if his lungs would explode if he had to say more than that.

"Yes, and then you go right after you see three large rocks on top of each other!"

Wherever they were heading, he had a feeling he would regret it later.

Surely enough, when he followed Yukinoshita's directions he found the double doors of a dojo.

Exhaustion caught up with him as soon as she got off his back, he collapsed onto the muddy floor wondering how he could be so close to death, but still have it in him to run for 15 minutes.

He heard the doors open and someone scrambling towards him before he blacked out.

When he awoke, he heard voices from what he assumed were teenagers.

"He doesn't look like much." That voice belonged to someone who was definitely disappointed.

"I'll bet you 100 yen you won't say that when he's actually awake." Another one said.

"Guys, we shouldn't be here! What if he wakes up suddenly? I don't want to explain why two boys and a cute girl are looking at him." This one belonged to a girl.

"Oi, how narcissistic can you be? Do you have no shame?"

He wondered why they all stopped talking, it took him a couple seconds to realize that the previous statement was said by him. There was only one thing he could say now, he feigned ignorance and spoke.

"So, who are you people?" Was all he could come up with on short notice.

"Is he awake now?"

"He just woke up now, Yukinoshita-san."

Yukinoshita, the cause for his current state. He had a couple rude words for her and now was a perfect time as any to use them.

"Hikigaya-kun, are you feeling alright?" She asked as she sat near him and leaned forward just enough for him to see her in the night light.

If he was an idiot, he would have fallen for her right then and there. Thankfully, he was an intellectual who refused to believe in love at first sight.

"I feel as alright as any man would be after being tortured and then forced to run somewhere with a girl on his back."

She looked at him as if contemplating if she could ask him something urgent.

"Do you need something?"

"I… I came here to ask something of you. It wasn't too difficult to convince Zaimokuza-kun for this but, I need you to do this as well."

He was puzzled as to what she could request in the middle of the night. He gestured for her to continue.

"Become my bodyguard and escort me somewhere far away from the mainland."

There was a long silence that he knew he would have to break and it pained him do it.

"I'm sorry, but no. I cannot escort you anywhere, not until I find my sister."

He heard a sniffle and looked at her, he instantly regretted it.

"Please" She pleaded.

He hated seeing girls near tears, regardless of how cold he looked he still couldn't help but horrible for his words.

"Please!" She pleaded again, this time he saw a tear land on the wooden floor.

He couldn't stand it! Maybe he was the biggest sucker in all of Edo or maybe he'd seen enough girls cry to want to stop it that he would agree to nonsensical decisions.

"On one condition" Was his response. The one that would start their journey and change their lives, for the better or worse was up for debate.

She looked up, surprised that he had agreed to something she really had no right to ask.

"What is it?"

"We find my sister first and only then will I escort you where you wish to go." He said this in the firmest tone he could possibly muster.

She dried her tears as best as she could and gave him his answer.

"Ok, that will be fine."

Underneath the cold exterior of Hikigaya Hachiman, there was a heart of gold who would always help those in need.

And thus, when they all awoke in the morning, their journey that would go wrong had finally begun.

...

I really have no excuse for this being about an entire month late, I was mostly procrastinating through it, regardless of my incompetence, gice a warm thanks and praise for my early chapter preview volunteer, TheMightZingy. He's volunteered to beta my dumpster fire and I hope we can all continue to thank him for this.


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